So, My Father Died

Yeah, so my dad died last week and today, I celebrate my birthday without him. I'll get through my day not wondering, but knowing that he's not going to call and wish me a good day. Despite my most wonderful friends wishing me a "happy" day, it's been a bad birthday and will go down in tha annals of my life as the worst birthday of my life.

On the otherhand, I should be rejoicing and enbracing it. For I am 29 years old today and my 28th year was a complete and total shit stain on my life. My father's heart attack, my mother's disease, two car accidents, a cancer scare and a partridge shits on my pear tree. So long, 28. Hello 29!

Some time in the near future, when I can gather all the necessary resources and content, I'll make a webpage dedicated to him.

Ugh! A lifetime of nonsense confounds me

Lately, I've been feeling a bit invisible.  There are a few forums I post to across the nets and lately, I've felt my comments aren't worth the pixels of which they're made.  A few friends have dismissed me as if my ideas and opinions are too obvious an observation to acknowledge.   I'm afraid I'm losing my intellectual edge.  I feel as if I'm entering a debate armed with a club and my opponent has highly focused, deadly lasers.  I just want to skulk away into the darkness.  I feel, if I'm not going to be noticed, then I shouldn't even be in the room.

Perhaps I simply haven't been reading or researching enough and relying too much on my logic, or whatever ability it is to figure something out with very little to reference from.  Troubleshooting?  Whatever.  I haven't been able to flex my intelligence for a while.  I love to argue and debate but haven't been able to.  You won't notice it, but I'm misspelling practically all my words.  I thank the man or woman who invented the spel chekur.

I think I just want to be understood and respected.  I don't want to appear like I have a big ego because I know people with big egos and they have many acquaintances but very few friends who respect them.  I defend these self-absorbed "intellectuals" against their scathing reviews from "friends"  out of pity rather than respect.  I'd never wish that kind of defense from anyone.

Jesus, I sound like an angst teen in high school.  I need to get out of this slump.  Does anyone really get out of this slump?  Asking that question makes me think of the office, or any work place.  Office politics are like high school.  You have the pretty and the nerds, the jocks and cheerleaders, the rebellious and the saints, all exist in the office.  Within each of their little cliques, lies a microcosm of the same, each with  the pretty and the nerds, the jocks and cheerleaders, the rebellious and saints, just look around.  I'll bet you can pick them all out.  We're all still in high school.  When am I finally going to graduate?

I suppose graduation occurs when you can finally throw off those labels, when no one can place you into any category or into a particular group of people.  One can graduate when they've become everything and nothing in the same moment.  Silly nihilistic existentialism.

What a Relief - Wife Doesn't Have Cancer

Sweet, huh? If you've kept up, my wife found a lump in her boob. She got it checked and after ultrasounds, tests, probes and pokes, she had it removed. They tested the mass and found it to be benign. No cancer!! Sweet. Awesome news for anyone.